GLIBB & SONS — "SOGMARSH PRIME"

A Prospectus of Select Opportunities. Brokerage, Drainage, and Final Defeasance. Est. (see reverse; reverse missing).

A found paper. A printed prospectus, recovered damp from the Long Bench outside the Crown & Engine, where it had been used to level one leg. A second hand has gone through it — in chalk.

TO THE DISCERNING INVESTOR. You hold in your hands not paper, sir or madam, but opportunity — with a side of drainage. Every listing below is offered in good faith, hand on heart, and is guaranteed* to be precisely as described.

THE PORTFOLIO

LOT 1 — THE NETTLEWICK WASTE (extensive). An expansive, low-maintenance meadow for the minimalist agriculturist. Practically a blank canvas. A tremendous sky-to-land ratio. The celebrated local soil offers natural mineral exfoliation — a spa treatment other realms would bottle — entirely free with every acre.

chalk: — the exfoliation dissolves an iron boot in a fortnight. Wear the boots you hate.

LOT 2 — A CHARACTER COTTAGE, WITH SELF-COOLING CELLAR. A rare offering. The cellar has maintained a perfect chill since 1802 without one farthing spent on ice. Energy efficiency of this order cannot be bought. (It can. Ask for terms.)

chalk: — the cellar is flooded. It has been flooded since 1802. That is the chill.

LOT 3 — WATERFRONT PARCELS, THE GREAT SLOUGH BORDERS. Unobstructed panoramic waterfront. Dynamic, ever-evolving property lines mean your holding is never the same two days running — excellent liquid assets.

chalk: — the land is going into the bog at four inches the hour. Your porch will make the next parish by Tuesday. It will arrive before you do.

LOT 4 — PREMIUM FRONTAGE UPON GRIMSHAW'S HEDGE. A natural, organic security perimeter of enormous vigour. Requires no maintenance whatsoever and expands the property line in a most enthusiastic manner.

chalk: — it is expanding toward the house.

LOT 5 — A STILT PROPERTY OF REAL CHARACTER (the Drownings). Slightly used. Commanding views at high tide. One previous drowning, fully resolved. Flood terms available: nothing to pay until rescued.

chalk: — ask him what "resolved" means. Then watch him not answer, beautifully. It is worth the walk.

LOT 6 — A LOVELY PLOT, THREE FEET TO THE LEFT. Recently available owing to the relocation of the previous premises. Much more stable.

chalk: — the previous premises are Lot 3. They are in the next parish now. See above.

TERMS & CONDITIONS

All sales final. All finality negotiable. Guaranteed or your money back (refunds payable in marsh tokens, or in favourable mentions to the Committee, at the firm's discretion). Purchasers are reminded that in the event of subsidence, submergence, consumption by hedge, or relocation of the freehold to another parish, the deed itself remains bone dry, and that, my friends, is the quality we bring.

GLIBB & SONS: we are not selling you land. We are selling you opportunity.

chalk, at the foot of the sheet, in a steadier hand than the rest:

— I have surveyed every parcel on this paper. Every claim on it is false and not one of them is a lie. He believes each word in the moment his mouth is around it, which is not the same thing as honesty, and is in some ways worse, and in one way better: you always know where you are with him. You are on a raft. He is selling you the view.

— I have signed nothing. I have kept the pamphlet. It is the best thing I have read all year.

— P.V.