GCRC SHEET 2 OF 1 — THE SOUTH ELEVATION

Found paper — a survey plate, blue, enormous, folded eight times and folded wrong. Transcribed here because the plate itself will not hold still long enough to be filed.

CASTLE BASTABLE · SOUTH ELEVATION AS FOUND. AS DENIED. AS APOLOGISED FOR. HEIGHTS AS FOUND · HEIGHTS DO NOT SUM · SCALE 1:240 (unless offended) Date: Rainmelt 27th, 1887 · Surveyor: Sir Crispin Dampworthy, M.Inst.C.E. (Probably) Drawn by: A. Turnip (Assistant) (Temporary) · Sheet 2 of 1

THE SURVEYOR'S NOTE, boxed, upper left:

Measured on the 3rd, 7th, 12th and 27th days of Rainmelt, in the Year of Our Confusion 1887. The castle did not co-operate. The instruments did their best. The assistant is a turnip.

STAMPED, IN RED, HALF FADED: COMMITTEE SEAL — APPROVED. WITHOUT UNDERSTANDING.

THE HEIGHT LADDER

+301′ 8″ — Roof above previous roof. (Spire appears continuous. May not be.) +284′ 3″ — Higher roof. +260′ 0″ — Main roof. +214′ 6″ — Gallery Level (on a good day; height varies with humidity, mood and politics) +178′ 2″ — Official Level (ish) +124′ 0″ — Parapet Walk (when present) +73′ 6″ — Upper Dungeons (shifting) +12′ 3″ — Ground (assumed) 0′ 0″ — Foundation ?

BASELINE: 27′ 8¼″ · 19′ 3½″ · 33′ 11¼″ · 18′ 9″ · 47′ 2¼″ · 18′ 9″ · 33′ 11¼″ · 19′ 4½″ · 28′ 0″ TOTAL: 245′ 6½″ (gives no useful information)

COMPASS: TRUE (ish) NORTH and MAGNETIC NORTH, diverging 11° 17′ W, unreconciled, and the Committee has resolved that reconciling them is somebody else's field.

MARGINALIA, AS PRINTED

Chimneys here on cold days. · Gallery exists when observed. · Buttress negotiates politics. Window relocated while drawing. · This bit leans. · Drainpipe leads to a debate. Balcony for show mainly. · Stone no longer present. Still casts shadow. Door leads nowhere on Tuesdays. · Wall thickness subject to philosophy. Wind's opinion changes often. · Weather vane points in all directions. ALL MEASUREMENTS SUBJECT TO EDITING BY THE STRUCTURE ITSELF.

THE DETAILS

DETAIL B — SPIRE TERMINUS (2:1). DETAIL H — WEST GARGOYLE (4:1): appears fierce from a distance; is mostly pigeon. DETAIL P — WINDOW, TYPICAL (1:10): omitted on some elevations; looks out on itself. DETAIL M — BRIDGE TO NOWHERE (1:20): connects to a wall on Thursdays. DETAIL L — DRAINAGE SPECULATION (1:10): where does it go? Nobody knows. Some say gratitude. DETAIL R — THE STAIR: descends, ascends, argues. Handrail is optimistic. DETAIL Q — CORNER STONE (8:1): Signature expected. None found. Stone's opinion unknown. FOUNDATION PLAN (partial & reluctant). SECTION K–K: unavailable, owing to the presence of the family in question. THE HUM: not a note. A condition.

CROSS-REFERENCES

SEE SHEET 17 (not located) · SEE SHEET 23A (probably lied) · SEE APPENDIX G (lost) SEE DETAIL Z (never drawn) · SEE LAST TUESDAY (no longer valid)

REVISION HISTORY, 1874–1924

AT THE FOOT OF THE SHEET, IN THE ENGRAVER'S OWN HAND:

NOTE: The castle edits elevations while you are looking at them. LOOK AGAIN LATER.

Archivist's remark, appended much later, in pencil: the two final revisions were entered by Sir Crispin himself, thirty-seven years after the plate was drawn, in the last year of his life, when he had long since stopped surveying anything. He did not correct a measurement. He went back to the sheet only to say, in the one place the Committee could not strike out, that the nobody who held his lantern was worth more than the whole of the Grand Cartographic Revision Committee. The Committee did not strike it out. They could not, in fairness, disagree.