FIXTURES OF THE HAVER ANNUAL GOOSE TOURNAMENT

Found paper — crisp, well-kept, and firmly nonexistent; recovered from a corridor that is now a wall.

THE HAVER ANNUAL GOOSE TOURNAMENT — FIXTURES As contested every June since 1672, without interruption and without occurring.

NOTICE: This document does not exist. Persons currently reading it are asked to continue not doing so. The Haver family, being officially PROBABLY HYPOTHETICAL, extends no welcome, as there is no one to extend it and nowhere for it to be extended from.

ROUND THE FIRST — Uncle Haver (the elder) versus THE GOOSE. Result: the Goose. ROUND THE SECOND — Uncle Haver (the other one) versus THE GOOSE. Result: the Goose. ROUND THE THIRD — The Haver twins, jointly, by special dispensation versus THE GOOSE. Result: the Goose, by an increased margin. THE SEMI-FINAL — Grandmother Haver versus THE GOOSE. Result: honourably postponed. The Goose declined to meet her eye. THE FINAL — THE GOOSE versus THE GOOSE. Result: the Goose.

THE PERPETUAL TROPHY: retained, as in all previous years, by the Goose, who does not acknowledge the committee.

IN A CAREFUL HAND AT THE FOOT: Teas at four in the East Wing, which you will not find. Regrets need not be sent, as they cannot be received. Asked directly whether the fixture list is genuine, the family has replied, as ever: "Certainly not."