TUESDAY
SOG & DISTRICT REAPING AUTHORITY
"Serving the Departed Since Before Records"
FORM 1 (REVISED) (UNREVISED) — NOTICE OF COLLECTION
TO: THE SOUL AT (if illegible, you)
REGRET TO INFORM STOP
COLLECTION SCHEDULED TUESDAY STOP
PLEASE BE PACKED AND GROUND-FLOOR STOP
COLLECTION SCHEDULED TUESDAY STOP
PLEASE BE PACKED AND GROUND-FLOOR STOP
ITEMS PERMITTED: one (1) small bundle, tied with string. Regrets carry a surcharge.
ITEMS NOT PERMITTED: potatoes (audited separately), grudges above the household allowance, the good bucket.
ITEMS NOT PERMITTED: potatoes (audited separately), grudges above the household allowance, the good bucket.
ON THE REVERSE, IN SMALLER PRINT
Q: I appear to still be alive.
A: Please retain this slip. It remains valid.
A: Please retain this slip. It remains valid.
Q: The moped has not arrived.
A: The moped is en route. The moped has been en route since it was issued. Your patience is appreciated and, in the fullness of time, collected.
A: The moped is en route. The moped has been en route since it was issued. Your patience is appreciated and, in the fullness of time, collected.
Q: May I appeal?
A: Appeals are heard on Saint Tarry's Day, by a panel that is just about to sit.
A: Appeals are heard on Saint Tarry's Day, by a panel that is just about to sit.
The Authority apologises for any inconvenience caused by the cessation of your existence, and reminds the public that being deceased does not exempt a household from the September count.
Pink, pre-printed, water-stained. Delivered — witnesses agree — by a damp moth.
NO ADDITIONAL WARMTH
PENNYWORTH & PENNYWORTH & (FORMERLY) PENNYWORTH
Counting-House, Murkminster Road — "Every Kindness Itemised"
TO: The Estate of the Late (name withheld pending payment)
| Condolences, formal, one (1), delivered with hat removed | 2 sacks |
| Removal of hat, wear and tear upon | ¼ sack |
| Wreath, RENTAL of, three days, collected promptly on the fourth | 1 sack |
| Attendance at graveside, incl. standing, sighing | 3 sacks |
| Sigh, supplementary, unsolicited but heartfelt | ½ sack |
| Interest upon the above, accrued during the reading of this invoice | 0.00 sacks |
| Late fee | 4 sacks |
| TOTAL, AS AT THIS INSTANT | 10.75 sacks |
…carried forward…
The reader is advised to stop reading, as perusal constitutes borrowing.
Note: the late fee predates the funeral. Queried. Query itemised. Do not query again.
The interest is accruing. It began when you opened this page.
THE HAVER ANNUAL GOOSE TOURNAMENT — FIXTURES
As contested every June since 1672, without interruption and without occurring.
NOTICE: This document does not exist. Persons currently reading it are asked to continue not doing so. The Haver family, being officially PROBABLY HYPOTHETICAL, extends no welcome, as there is no one to extend it and nowhere for it to be extended from.
ROUND THE FIRST — Uncle Haver (the elder) v. THE GOOSE. Result: the Goose.
ROUND THE SECOND — Uncle Haver (the other one) v. THE GOOSE. Result: the Goose.
ROUND THE THIRD — The Haver twins, jointly, by special dispensation, v. THE GOOSE. Result: the Goose, by an increased margin.
THE SEMI-FINAL — Grandmother Haver v. THE GOOSE. Result: honourably postponed. The Goose declined to meet her eye.
THE FINAL — THE GOOSE v. THE GOOSE. Result: the Goose.
ROUND THE SECOND — Uncle Haver (the other one) v. THE GOOSE. Result: the Goose.
ROUND THE THIRD — The Haver twins, jointly, by special dispensation, v. THE GOOSE. Result: the Goose, by an increased margin.
THE SEMI-FINAL — Grandmother Haver v. THE GOOSE. Result: honourably postponed. The Goose declined to meet her eye.
THE FINAL — THE GOOSE v. THE GOOSE. Result: the Goose.
THE PERPETUAL TROPHY: retained, as in all previous years, by the Goose, who does not acknowledge the committee.
Teas at four in the East Wing, which you will not find. Regrets need not be sent, as they cannot be received.
Look away and it will still be here. Look at it too long and it would rather you didn't.
✳ HAS YOUR SOUL RISEN? ✳
A friendly enquiry from the Church of the Blessed Loaf
THREE SIGNS YOUR SOUL IS PROVING:
1. A feeling of warmth in a cold room, for which nobody nearby will take credit.
2. A reluctance to be punched down by circumstance, landlords, or weather.
3. A pleasing smell about the person, as of good intentions baking.
1. A feeling of warmth in a cold room, for which nobody nearby will take credit.
2. A reluctance to be punched down by circumstance, landlords, or weather.
3. A pleasing smell about the person, as of good intentions baking.
THREE SIGNS YOUR SOUL HAS BEEN LEFT OUT OVERNIGHT:
1. A certain crust.
2. A heaviness upon rising.
3. You have begun to agree with the Pennyworths.
1. A certain crust.
2. A heaviness upon rising.
3. You have begun to agree with the Pennyworths.
TITHE: one part flour in ten, payable at the door; the Church regrets it cannot make change, as change is made only in the soul.
ENQUIRE WITHIN regarding COMPOUND GRACE, whereby the merits of the devout are rolled together into a single Greater Loaf, from which all may be sliced according to need. Persons rolled in may not be rolled out; see a Loafwarden for terms.
Terms may rise without notice. The Church accepts no liability for souls that collapse in a draught. In the event of doubt, stand somewhere warm and wait; this is also the entirety of the liturgy.
The only liturgy in the realm that anyone has ever completed.
GRAND CARTOGRAPHIC REVISION COMMITTEE — FORM E-4
Claim for expenses incurred in the field
Claimant: Sir C. Dampworthy. Field: all of them.
| Theodolite, first, swallowed by the Slough | 8 | Allowed, with sympathy |
| Theodolite, second, swallowed by the Slough | 8 | Allowed, without |
| Theodolite, third | 8 | REJECTED. Claimant is measuring the same hole twice. |
| Theodolite, fourth, taken (witnessed) by a corridor | 8 | Referred to the corridor |
| Assistants, three, wages of | 12 | Two allowed. The third resigned by letter from inside the East Wing and is now a Haver matter, i.e. nobody's. |
| Composure, partial loss of | 2 | NOT CLAIMABLE. Composure is issued once, at appointment. |
| Candles, consumed re-drawing the same corridor on eleven consecutive nights | 1 | Allowed. The Committee has seen the corridor. |
| TOTAL | disputed | disputed, but politely |
I should like it minuted that the realm moved first. — C.D.
Minuted. So did the claim. — the Clerk
Note the assistants, three, wages of. Two allowed. He never learned her name.
Mr. & Mrs. TURNIP (the Lower Fen Turnips, not the others)
request the pleasure of your dampness at the marriage of their daughter
request the pleasure of your dampness at the marriage of their daughter
✳ BLOSSOM TURNIP ✳
to
✳ MASTER HORACE MUTTER ✳
(against the advice of both houses, the parish, and a portrait of his grandmother)
At the chapel with the hole in the roof. Rain or rain.
The couple will exchange the customary insults regarding one another's potatoes; the congregation is asked not to applaud the crueller ones, as it only encourages the fondness.
The couple will exchange the customary insults regarding one another's potatoes; the congregation is asked not to applaud the crueller ones, as it only encourages the fondness.
THE DOWRY, ITEMISED, AS DEMANDED IN WRITING BY THE GROOM'S AUNT:
King Edwards, forty (40) sacks, of which two (2) ceremonial and not for eating;
one (1) duck, sound of wing, currently under audit, transferred as-is;
the good bucket (the GOOD bucket, and the aunt will know);
one (1) love-lagoon frontage, southern aspect, flooded, i.e. intact;
and the grandmother's ladle, on condition it is never, ever cleaned.
King Edwards, forty (40) sacks, of which two (2) ceremonial and not for eating;
one (1) duck, sound of wing, currently under audit, transferred as-is;
the good bucket (the GOOD bucket, and the aunt will know);
one (1) love-lagoon frontage, southern aspect, flooded, i.e. intact;
and the grandmother's ladle, on condition it is never, ever cleaned.
DRESS: dry-ish. FEAST: to follow, pending the duck.
RSVP by duck. If the duck does not return, consider yourselves expected.
RSVP by duck. If the duck does not return, consider yourselves expected.
On the back, in pencil: Auntie — the audit found FOR the duck. All is well. Come early; the roof-hole seats are the dry ones. — B.
TICKET #0RB-77713
scrying-tape, printed by the orb itself
FIRST SUBMISSION — AS TRANSMITTED
DER SIRS.
MY CRYST B HS FUT.
THREE KEYS RE DED.
PESE SED REPCEMET.
THIS IS UCCEPTBE D I M VERY GRY.
— MGISTER FIZZE
MY CRYST B HS FUT.
THREE KEYS RE DED.
PESE SED REPCEMET.
THIS IS UCCEPTBE D I M VERY GRY.
— MGISTER FIZZE
SECOND SUBMISSION — WITH SUCH LETTERS AS THE SPHERE PERMITS
I press them. It emits
Sirs. My orb is here before me. It is good. It works. It sees. It predicts.
I wish for fresh keys. Six, if you keep them. I proffer six good dry SPUDS of my best crop.
I keep the tower. I do the fire, the fumes, the smoke, the very odd BOOM. I did the roof twice, both by mistake, both better for it.
I write to protest, deeply, upset.
Sirs. My orb is here before me. It is good. It works. It sees. It predicts.
I wish for fresh keys. Six, if you keep them. I proffer six good dry SPUDS of my best crop.
I keep the tower. I do the fire, the fumes, the smoke, the very odd BOOM. I did the roof twice, both by mistake, both better for it.
I write to protest, deeply, upset.
I would tell you the proper word for this document. I cannot. The proper word uses every one of my three dead keys. So this document is simply THIS.
Yours, with much stress,
M. FIZZ.
M. FIZZ.
He cannot type the word "complaint." He cannot type his own name.
RESOLVED
AETHERIC SUPPLY & SUNDRIES BOARD
Orb Support (Tier Two) — "Your Enquiry Matters, Eventually"
Dear Valued Practitioner,
Thank you for contacting the Board. Your enquiry is important to us and is currently forty-first in the queue.
Before we proceed — have you tried scrying it off and scrying it on again?
Our records show your device (ORB, GAZING, DOMESTIC, MK II, with the ominous swirl) has exceeded its supported lifespan. The warranty expired in 1478. We note that the warranty expired before the device was manufactured. This is a known issue and is not a fault.
To progress your enquiry we require:
Thank you for contacting the Board. Your enquiry is important to us and is currently forty-first in the queue.
Before we proceed — have you tried scrying it off and scrying it on again?
Our records show your device (ORB, GAZING, DOMESTIC, MK II, with the ominous swirl) has exceeded its supported lifespan. The warranty expired in 1478. We note that the warranty expired before the device was manufactured. This is a known issue and is not a fault.
To progress your enquiry we require:
• Your full name. (Your submission gives "M. FIZZ", which does not match our records.)
• The name of your tower. (Your submission gives "TOWER".)
• The serial number, engraved upon the underside of the orb, on the face turned away from you.
• The name of your tower. (Your submission gives "TOWER".)
• The serial number, engraved upon the underside of the orb, on the face turned away from you.
Replacement characters are supplied only in complete sets of twenty-six. We cannot supply three. We cannot supply six. We can supply twenty-six, at a cost of four hundred sacks, or one (1) tower.
Please note further: the fault you describe is a character-emission fault. Character-emission faults are handled by the Character Emission Board, a separate body, whose enquiry form must be completed using your device.
We hope this resolves your enquiry. This ticket has been closed as RESOLVED. If your issue persists you may raise a fresh ticket at any time, using your device.
Please note further: the fault you describe is a character-emission fault. Character-emission faults are handled by the Character Emission Board, a separate body, whose enquiry form must be completed using your device.
We hope this resolves your enquiry. This ticket has been closed as RESOLVED. If your issue persists you may raise a fresh ticket at any time, using your device.
— The Board. (We do not sign. Signing is a Tier Three matter.)
They say the number is on the side of the orb that faces away from me.
It is a sphere.
Every side of it faces away from me.
It is a sphere.
Every side of it faces away from me.
Note that the Board's machine has every letter of the alphabet, and uses them all, immaculately.
The castle's copy. The hand is fluent, confident, and has never been read. Three things on the sheet are legible: Nil., the stamp, and — on the reverse — the circle.
THE BUCKET, OR THE MARSH ROUGH-MUSIC, p.253. The placards are his own words, collected by the artist and set around him without comment. Note the gravestone: FIRST IN PROMISES, FIRST IN FORGETTING. And the caption — (As he looks down upon them.)
The same man, paying for the paper himself. K.C.M.G. — Knight Commander of Mere Good Intentions — asterisked at the foot to * Self-Awarded. Read the two sheets in the order they were printed: the poster makes the claim, and the cartoon audits it.