THE NURSERY STATUTES

A Foreword, Stamped and Initialled

A subject who learns to love the institutions in the nursery will never trouble them in the courtroom. We have therefore prepared these improving little tales, each fitted with its proper Lesson, so that the young may grasp — early, and cheerfully — that every rule exists for their protection and every delay for their benefit.

A regrettable note: some unauthorised hand has added a marginalia to each Statute, in a smaller, truer ink. We have been entirely unable to expunge it. Children should disregard these notes. They are almost certainly correct, which is precisely why they are not approved.

Each Statute: The Improving Tale · The Office's Lesson · Marginalia (unexpunged).

Statute the First — The Great Homework Lock

(referred to the Court of Eternal Settlement, Chancery Wing) The Improving Tale. Two children found a beautiful shiny toy in the yard and could not agree whose it was. Rather than let them squabble, the good schoolmaster placed the toy in a heavy chest sealed with ten padlocks, to be opened the very instant the matter was properly settled. The matter was referred, reviewed, appealed, and re-referred. By the time judgement was handed down, both children were grown and grey — and the toy within had rusted entirely to dust. The Office's Lesson. A dispute belongs to the proper authority, not to the disputants. Patience is the first duty of a good little subject. > Marginalia (unexpunged): Sharing the toy today beats spending your whole life arguing who owned > the dust. (See also: the contested Griddle, unsettleable to this day.)

Statute the Second — The Town That Ran Out of Bridges

(by order of the Commission of Drains & Crossings) The Improving Tale. A most particular official kept the river and its bridges. Every stamping foot and dropped stick offended him, so — to teach the children quiet — he locked up and removed one bridge each week. At last there were no bridges at all, and the official found himself marooned on a little island in the middle of the river, perfectly undisturbed, with no one able to reach him and no way to reach anyone. The Office's Lesson. Order is preserved by removing whatever disturbs it. A quiet jurisdiction is a well-run jurisdiction. > Marginalia (unexpunged): Take away every way of reaching people, just to keep things quiet, and > you will end up extremely quiet and entirely alone.

Statute the Third — The Sandbox Debt Collector

(an Amortisation Office matter; a Pennyworth concession) The Improving Tale. A little girl borrowed three shiny marbles and lost them in the sandbox. Her friend said kindly, "Just pay me back in chores!" — and wrote it down on a long scroll. With sandbox interest duly applied, the girl carried his bag, tied his laces, and tidied his room… and was, many years later, a grown woman in a grand office, still sorting his post, for three marbles she lost as a child. The Office's Lesson. A debt, once entered in the ledger, is sacred however it may grow. Honour your obligations promptly and forever. > Marginalia (unexpunged): Be very careful what you borrow — and never sign a forever-deal to mend a > small mistake today. (This is the whole of the Bastable problem, taught in a sandbox.)

Statute the Fourth — The Only Stamp in the Kingdom

(the Royal Stamp & Staple; cf. the Potato Standard) The Improving Tale. The Crown decreed that every potato grown in the land be carried to a single tiny kitchen in the capital, there to be stamped with a royal smiley before anyone might take a bite. Children walked for days to have their spuds approved — and by the time they had walked all the way there and all the way home again, the potatoes had gone to grey mush, perfectly stamped. The Office's Lesson. All goods must be certified before use, for your protection. The stamp is the value; the potato is merely its carriage. > Marginalia (unexpunged): Pile up rules to control a thing and you ruin the very thing you meant to > protect. A stamped mush is still mush.

Statute the Fifth — The Soldier Without an Arrow

(requisition pending; the Ordnance Board, Tortoise Desk) The Improving Tale. A brave knight guarded the castle from a roaring dragon — but was not permitted to keep his own arrows, which were locked in a central store managed by a very slow, very particular tortoise. When the dragon came, the knight had first to file thirty forms in triplicate to request a single arrow. The dragon grew so bored awaiting approval that it cooked its own supper with its breath, had a nap, and wandered off to find a livelier castle. The Office's Lesson. Munitions are issued only upon correct requisition. Procedure protects us all, even from dragons. > Marginalia (unexpunged): Rules are useful, but being helpful and quick matters far more when the > trouble is already roaring at the gate.

Statute the Sixth — The Mud-Pie Police

(an inquiry of the Runners) The Improving Tale. A famous and hyper-serious detective was hired to solve the theft of one messy mud-pie from the bakery sill. He deployed enormous magnifying glasses, tracked muddy prints across the town, and interrogated every dog in the parish — until the sun came out, dried the mud, and the entire case evaporated before a single arrest could be made. The Office's Lesson. No crime is too small to be pursued with the fullest rigour of the office. > Marginalia (unexpunged): Treat a tiny silly accident like a great disaster and you will spend all > your strength chasing shadows that dry up in the sun.

Filed and sealed. Children found in possession of the marginalia will be asked, kindly, to attend a short interview. Bring a parent, a pencil, and Form 7(b).